Have you ever broken up with a person and told them, “it’s me not you”? If you haven’t ever stated this perhaps you have watched it in a move or television show. The speaker is attempting to communicate that the problem with the relationship lies within themselves, and not with the other person.
I don’t know if this “it’s me and not you” is an honest sentiment in adult relationships, but it is an accurate representation of parent child relationships.
The parent enters into the relationship, or should, possessing the tools necessary to manage their emotions, navigate conflict, communicate their needs, and accepting that the person to whom they gave birth is an individual being with its own personality, needs, and desires.
During the course of parenting the child, different emotions will surface, some mild, some intense. As the child matures and enters different stages, the parent will feel challenged in ways possibly never imagined; which might trigger something within that might prompt a parent to lose control.
If the parent is attempting to control the child, the likelihood of loosing control is greater than if the parent focuses on the the one aspect of the relationship they can control: their emotions, their response, their behaviors. Parents have the responsibility of creating an environment that will foster connection through communication with their child.
The responsibility of creating a healthy relationship with a child begins with the parent. So, perhaps, before your next heated exchange with your child, stop and think, “it’s me, not you”.