SPit and Tears

​What do I think?

I think that instead of posting this video on social media for the world to see, mom should have:

1. Validated her daughter’s anger and clearly explained the reason why the girl could not have gum and why. Of course, this might not have improved the child’s mood, but that is part of the process of disciplining the child, and integral to establishing boundaries. While young children are not consistently rational, they do not lack the ability to reason and to understand.
   Telling my five-year-old son that he cannot have candy is sure to bring on tears but telling my young son that he can’t have candy because it will cause cavities is most likely to elicit a deep sigh and an acceptance of my denying his request.
2. Asked her daughter not to spit, and clearly communicated using non-judging, non-shaming words why spitting is wrong.  As the supposedly rational and aware adult, mom should know that spitting is a form of communication from a person who is clearly unable to verbally articulate their feelings.  The child is angry.  Humans are baffling.  If the average person were to encounter an angry adult, they would give the adult space to calm down or offer support.  However, with children the opposite generally occurs.  Instead of attempting to soothe the child through music, song, or just leaving her alone, mom verbally antagonizes the child, and even laughs at the child’s distress further enraging the girl.
3. Stopped engaging with the child.  It is virtually impossible for an angry, irrational person to think clearly and to make good decisions.  The child has reached the point of no return.  The child is strapped into the child safety seat, so she poses no threat to mom.  At this stage, a wise, rational mom would make brief intermittent eye contact with the child via the rearview mirror while saying, “Once you are calm will talk about what happened, but for now I am going to turn on music and focus on driving.  Once you are calm, and no longer spitting or yelling, and ready to talk, please let me know”, and proceeded to drive home without antagonizing the child. ​

​Suggestions?

​Mom needs take a few courses on child development or read a few books on the topic and learn how to engage with an angry human being, especially one who is young and is learning how to remain rational when angry.

Somewhere someone is thinking to themselves that this child is a spoiled entitled brat who wants to have her own way for having a temper tantrum.  The child in the video is most likely a normal child who wants something that she cannot have, and denying the request for the gum, while explaining why she cannot have the gum and not giving in to the angry demands is part of the learning (discipline) process for young children.  Children do not come into this world “knowing better”.  Children come into this world knowing nothing more than how to eat.  Babies can literally forget to breathe.  Over the course of years and months they learn the skills needed to survive in this world, and that includes managing their own behaviors which is acquired through the practice and trial and error of co-regulating behaviors with an adult who has placed their ego aside and is not offended by the actions of someone who literally does not know better.
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